I Am a Different Person Now

Do you know, as you press into Him, continually taking up your cross and seeking to follow Him, He is changing you? Albeit slowly, He is surely changing you into the person you were meant to be.

Can you see her? That lonely girl swallowed up in the midst of the crowd, just occupying space and not quite belonging? That’s me. 

I swallow the lump…hurriedly blink back tears with the terrified thought that someone might see…rush off to the nearest bathroom with the pretense of normal. My hope is to regroup. To somehow strengthen myself to go out there again and make things different.

But that is not what happens.

Fear sets in deeper.

That familiar voice is there…There’s something wrong with me. I’m not like the others; they don’t care for me. I’ll never change. I hate me. I wish I was never born. And whatever else that horrid voice wants to rattle off.

But I know I cannot sit in that cold, hard bathroom forever (though sometimes I have really challenged that). Feeling utterly defeated with nigh the strength I was hoping for, I traverse the scene again, hanging by a bitter line to make it through the night.

I cannot begin to relay how many times I have been in that situation or the like.

Hundreds…thousands.

Those scenes from my past I do not forget.

But that would not happen to me now, right? I have trudged through many years of pouring into God, of slowly rebuilding the very skewed foundation upon which I was existing…

Forward to just a few months ago. There I was, attending what should have been a delightful ladies event.

I mean, aren’t they, to normal people?

I remember walking into the large, loud room, only slightly late, and feeling a panic rise as I saw the seating arrangement at the table…

do you do that, too? time your arrival with caution, carefully assessing the seating situation in order to place yourself in the spot that will vie for you maximum potential to be able to converse comfortably with others??

The women preceding me, silly them, had sat themselves completely at one end with nary a coveted seat available, leaving the next spot, MY spot, to be at the corner of the “U” formation, no one across from me, wedging me between someone I hardly knew, sitting with HER friend, and another I didn’t know too well, also sitting with HER friends who were walking in behind me.

Had no one who might prefer my company thought to save me a sweet seat next to them??

No.

Well, I had prayed about this in advance, that my attention tonight would be in blessing and serving those around me and not just seeking my own comfort. So down I plopped, my things and self, waiting to see what He would do.

Not even five minutes later, those old feelings had crept over me.

Mind you, what used to be an everyday occurrence for me I hadn’t experienced in I-couldn’t-remember-when, so it was a bit of a shock to be transported back in time to those familiar feelings.

As I sat there, my salad and me, completely ignored by the women in proximity, that stifling suffocation and burning in my throat grew.

Hot tears threatened my eyes.

And with a sinking heart, I rose, grabbed my things, and hurried out to my car.

But here is where the story changes. 

For, you see, I didn’t sit in my car and fall into something like attacking my identity or worth. I didn’t let those damaging, lying thoughts roll around in my head.

Instead, I prayed.

I spoke truth to myself.

I relied on Romans 8:28, and reminded myself that He had a purpose for what was happening, and I could trust Him. I did cry, too. But the tears did not lead to the self-pity they so commonly had brought me to in the past.

I sat in my seat and the Lord opened my eyes to see how I was reacting and how extremely different it was to my reactions in the past.

I was holding fast to Him.

It was TRUE – all this time, He had been faithfully working on me, changing me, and I was seeing the evidence before my very eyes! I didn’t have to attack who I was as a person, I could recognize it as a difficult situation for me and move on.

Gritting my teeth in courage, I walked back in, knowing He was with me and would help me…and the night changed and He did bless the experience and my time.

If you are in the trenches and are struggling to keep your head above water every day, hold fast to Him and know that one day you will be able to look back and see change.

Growth in our lives CAN be a quick process – but it’s not always. In fact, rarely is it quick.

Substantial, lasting growth usually takes a significant amount of time.

It’s one of the ways in which God works, and we’re wise to remember He doesn’t operate on the same timetable as we do. However, He’s faithful to show us, many times, little ways in which we’ve made progress, especially as we look back upon the journey we’ve traveled.

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.
2 Peter 3:8

As difficult as it is to traverse the journey with our aching hearts, God births in us the greatest growth in seasons of suffering.

When time seems to be dragging on, moment by trial-some moment, it is then that He is doing a rich work in us we cannot see. Never has one said the time for extracting those precious pearls was during the ease, but during the storm. 

In the torrential downpour of life, be cheered not only by the measure of faith given to you, be it as small as a mustard seed, like mine – but also by the monumental promises, incalculable in worth, given to you in His word.

He is the one who began the good work in you –

He will be the one to finish it, in His perfect, albeit abstruse, timing.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6

Becoming a different person, that better you, in essence, is a process that takes time.

It’s one walked hand in hand with a loving God who is always working things out for your good.

As you take those steps of faith, pursuing Him and holding fast, He will do the work in you. You will become a different person, the one He’s intended to shape you into all along.

💕 the soul who struggles with seeing red, slowly finding new lenses in which to view life…

💕 the mother, adoration of little eyes, yet views herself a failure, coming to recognize the beauty and grace in her messy days…

💕 the loved one, lifted to throne in prayer time and again, feeling the eyes open to eternal truths…

💕 the one drowning in seas of depression and anxiety, being able to count the tiniest of stones on the path to healing…

…myriads of stories, growth and sanctification at work.

If you have walked for a time by His side, be it long or short, can you see your growth?

If not, will you pray to God that He will open your eyes to see how He has changed you, even in the smallest way?

I delight in rejoicing over these simple stories birthed from not-so-simple-pasts. If you have one to share, please do so! ❤️