Want to know the pros and cons of international adoption? Follow along as I talk about the hardships AND the beauty of adopting – at the end, I’ll give an update on our OWN China adoption story.
Whoever coined the phrase –
Adoption is not for the faint of heart.
certainly got it right.
In all the excitement life has to offer, my own heart, aching and pounding each day as we’re scaling this most arduous cliff, is enough for me to take.
Yes, pursing adoption can be a difficult and anxiety-inducing journey and living in a COVID-infected world doesn’t help. The coronavirus has slowed down adoption for most everyone, particularly those families that need to travel to a foreign country to pick up their child.
In China alone, there are over 500 families waiting to get their new beloved one. With travel closed to many countries all over the globe, the wait gets longer and harder as the situation drags on.
Yet despite the pangs we’ve endured in our own story, adoption is amazingly precious and I wholeheartedly encourage it 💕
If you’re wondering whether adoption may be a part of your own story-to-be, prayerfully consider the ramifications – both pros and cons – and trust you’ll be led on the perfect path that’s just right for your family.
For more on how we knew adoption was for us, see the post here.
Adoption Downsides/Cons
~The Cost
Adoption carries its own hefty price tag. International adoption can run $30,000-$40,000+; domestic adoption can be upwards of $50,000. Though these figures may be hard to swallow, don’t let this deter you – support can be raised in different ways, such as through grants and fundraising. And the rewards are worth every penny.
~The Wait
There is always a wait.
Always a wait.
And it’s unknown.
An agency can give you a guess as to how long it will take for you to be matched, but that’s all it is – a guess. The timeframe they give you and what it turns out to be can be years apart.
~The Uncertainty
Uncertainties are numerous, too many to count.
For example, if you adopt internationally, expect special needs.
What are my child’s special needs?
What’s written on their medical record – and what’s not?
What’s hidden about them that I won’t discover until we get back home?
Just where are they emotionally, socially, physically, mentally?
Not all records are kept well; some countries are notorious for always providing outdated records or those that only show half the story.
How heavily wrings the heart after such neglect, the brain after such deep trauma…
the true impact on a child is completely unknown, only to be discovered in the many months and years after you’ve returned home.
~Difficult kids
Children in orphanages across the globe are trapped in a place that doesn’t meet their needs.
They are treading on, year after year, undergoing the stress of lack of nourishment, proper medical care, and the bonding and love they so desperately need to thrive. Many are neglected and abused and in wretched condition.
They’ve undergone such trauma, their brains haven’t been able to grow properly, they’ve desperately adopted whatever coping mechanisms, fight or flight or outward crazy outbursts or close off from the world – whatever they can manage.
At the best, they’re in foster care and are shielded from some of the orphanage atrocities; at worst, they’ve undergone the brunt of it and are reaping the repercussions for a lifetime.
It’s no wonder some parents return home with their new family member, still in shock a year later at their child’s broken self.
It may seem I’m painting a bleak picture, but the possibility of such dark clouds on the canvas is true.
And it’s seen more often that not.
~Parents Unprotected
There are precautions upon precautions for the children who are being adopted – as there should be, and sometimes there aren’t enough. In domestic adoption, there are also rules in place to protect the birth mother and her rights. But for the hopeful ones who want to bring one of these orphans home, there is really nothing to protect them.
There’s nothing to say the convention country won’t suddenly change their rules about who can adopt or how they’ll go about it.
There’s nothing to keep the country even from closing down completely to all outside adoption.
It may seem unfair to be enter the playoff, adhering to the rules you were given, only to have those rules change at halftime.
The medical records in some countries are almost a joke; information seemingly purposely left out in order to deceive parents.
I have seen a family put in all the blood, sweat and tears to make it all the way to Pre-Approval, and then be told they’re no longer eligible to adopt from that country.
I have seen a couple with their hearts set on a certain child from a certain country, only to have that country shut down it’s international adoption program…or find a birth certificate for an orphan and find time has run out, that the child is “aged out” and the country is unwilling to be gracious, no matter how far they are through the adoption process.
Such is rough on our tender hearts.
With all the weighty downsides to adoption, it may seem a wonder that many families pursue such a route. Though the rate of international adoption has sadly decreased by the astronomical rate of 82% over the past 15 years, there are still many out there who feel called to ascend this ambitious elevation.
Their hearts are drawn.
They feel the call.
They see the beauty.
For them, the pros outweigh the cons.
Adoption Pros
~Ministry/service
Years ago, we trained as foster parents, in the hopes off adding to our family. What we received in the process was a whole world of ministry, opened to us – real children in real need, coming from hard places, aching for normalcy, desperate for love and care and a stable home.
Religion that is pure and undefiled is this:
to visit orphans and widows in their affliction…
-James 1:27
~Beauty of God’s adoption mirrored in your life
Ephesians 1 contains a marvelous passage, the richness of our spiritual blessings as given to us by Christ.
Just like those little ones locked and languishing in orphanages all over the world, we also were trapped in our sin, without hope, without home.
What a picture, when He lovingly scoops us up and brings us into His family forever.
In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. -Ephesians 1:5-6
When we choose to adopt,
we choose to be to that child just what Christ was to us.
~Rescue a child in need and their world changes
And you get to witness the amazing change in a child’s life for good.
Your simply selfless deed of traversing time, finances, space, schedule, even crossing the broad ocean, impacts that child like nothing else.
The pathway of forlorn future and woebegone way vanishes the instant they’re in your arms.
They can finally learn to love, laugh, feel, live.
~Joy of adding to your family
I’d be amiss to not add that those who are looking into adoption have a heartfelt inclination to add to their family. How precious it is when you can finally make that dream a reality…
Despite all the potential heartache and agony of scaling peaks on the sacrificial ridge of adoption, the ears ring true in my ears again and again –
It was hard work, but it was worth it.
Spoken from those at the end of the road, they wouldn’t trade that journey for an easier path. Not with all the rewards it brings.
Our Story
We climb our own adoption sierra to reach the pinnacle of having our little one, bringing her home, seeing her thrive and grow and flourish, flower all in bloom.
The trail, treacherous at times, curves and thrusts amidst the boulders – and we can only see the next step ahead.
We follow the path He lights, not knowing the way or how it will look at the top, only trusting He’s mapped this out for us long before the desire birthed in our hearts.
I shared in an earlier post our excitement at the possibility of snatching up this most recent little one in love and heart and home…how right it seemed, how we thought we foresaw the path’s end.
Yet that trail did not lead where we thought it would, or should.
We are looped around, back down the mountain, feeling we’ve lost something along the way. We gather our bearings on trail markers, gear up to lift knees and feet and heart, to plod ahead as we climb a steep slope yet again.
And where we feel we now have nothing, we believe He will bring something out of nothing.
In short, we’ve held fast to the hope of bringing her home, only to discover her needs that are too formidable for us to handle. We’ve researched and prayed and sought and fought in our hearts to make it work…but in the end, we think of what’s right.
And what’s best.
For her.
For a family to have the strength and capacity, the adequate finances and insurance, as well as the geographical location, to meet this little one’s complicated needs…
that’s what our heart knows is best.
To come to such a conclusion after so many hopes and dreams is truly heartbreaking. For us and for our kids. We have spent many days now racked with grief.
But we hold fast to a God who is faithful (Psalm 40:11), good (Psalm 31:19), and right (Psalm 7:17).
We hold fast to our confidence in Him, knowing He has the plan, trusting He knows best – and asking for miraculous peace and heart-filled hope to reign in us now.
So we send that sweet little one off in a gathering of prayers, always holding her close to our heart, always asking and believing God has something good for her, too. Salvation and tenderness and a warm and loving family who can truly meet her needs (John 14:18).
I didn’t want her to only be a possibility for us.
But I praise God for the time He did let her into our lives, when the possibility was thought a reality. That we could pray and hope and wish and dream for her.
And that we can continue to do so.
