With the holidays coming up, you may be wondering how to deal with that thankless family member. Read on for 5 sure-proof ways to handle toxic family members and gain that true peace you’re looking for. 🧡
Warm aroma filling home, vanilla bean spiced candles mixed with exquisite talent in the kitchen to whip up creamy potatoes, sweetened homemade cranberry sauce, delectable pumpkin pie…
little legs and feet pound about in eager excitement, to and fro amidst the busyness of adults catering to, catching up, moving in the energy of the day’s thankfulness.
Certainly, we all have a picture of what we’d like our family holiday gatherings to encompass. We’d like the culmination of a year encapsulated in a day of feasting and cheer.
Perhaps, sweet blessing to us, the festivities turn out in our favor. Hearts are entwined, laughter dominates, smiles greet and linger.
Other times, we may prove a bunch of sinful folks with our own problems and issues, coming together, baggage and all.
I’d like to believe the former more present than the latter in our lives, but I’m just not so sure.
And what of the family member that makes his or her entrance with the enthusiasm of a deflated balloon? Perhaps even, the one who’s not facing a temporary loss of air, but who’s claimed this bit of flattened balloon the last gathering? And the one before? And every other day of the year.
We all have them in our lives. We can choose our friends, but we can’t always choose our family, and we’re faced with that difficult task of loving the unloveable.
With Thanksgiving having rounded the corner, Christmas close at her heels, the topic of how to deal with ungrateful family members seems fitting to touch upon.
My Own Interaction with a Difficult Family Member
I know how this hurts.
The topic at hand strikes a chord deep down in my heart.
It wasn’t too many Christmases ago when I was there, festive scene filled with holiday feasting, catching up with loved ones, their comings and goings and news of the year…
i held closely the nervousness in my heart, knowing a certain member would make an appearance at the gathering, aware that this person had some ill feelings towards me…
I had spent the past few years lovingly sharing truth and the gospel, attempting to walk with her during a difficult time…and the end result had been much anger and resentment towards me.
Needless to say, the night’s end was not pretty.
A seemingly harmless and fun family game was played, she gained another offense towards me during the span of this game, and ugly words were spat in my direction before she raced out the door to her vehicle.
Not at all what I was hoping for.
Standing there a bit dumbfounded, certainly wounded, I had to make a choice as to how to handle this.
If you’ve found yourself in a similar spot…
You are not alone.
We certainly need a plan for how to handle those hurtful folks in our life…
How to deal with ungrateful family members can be summed up in our planning, response, and overall focus. It takes intentionality to take on the difficulty of dealing with someone who’s thankless. We can:
~ pray in advance
~ choose a godly response
~ maintain an eternal focus
Let’s break this down and take a closer look…
5 Top Ways to Deal with Ungrateful Family Members
1. Be Ready
There’s most assuredly prior planning that should take place and there’s wisdom in that 🧡(Proverbs 21:5)
First off, if you’re aware this chronically ungrateful family member will cross your path at the next gathering, plan for it.
As much as we’d like to go about our life constantly bumping into the cheeriest of cherries, we know of the friction we can feel at finding one who rubs us the wrong way. We’re not called to brush them off and sweep them away, we’re called to pray –
Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you (Luke 6:27-28).
What better time to pray for these difficult relationships then beforehand, preparing in wisdom for the upcoming?
Not only could God do a work in your heart, opening understanding, building forbearance and long-suffering, bringing peace…
he could do a work in theirs, as well.
2. Watch Your Response
When sparks fly, hasty words run rampant, emotions explode, relationships burst into flames.
Best guess is that this ungrateful member may not have the desired response.
Expect that to be the case in advance and plan for how you can yet respond with grace and ease…
Live that radical life.
If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? (Luke 6:32)
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:35-36)
Not easy, I know. But necessary for success.
3. Be Careful Where You Search for Peace
True peace will not be obtained in another person’s response to us.
Repeat –
True peace will not be obtained in another person’s response to us.
Our hearts can want that.
Yearn for it.
Pray and plead and hope and wish…but it may or may not happen.
And even if it does, living by our circumstances alone is a bandaid fix for any kind of real lack of peace issues.
This is where we come to that precious truth so aptly spoken by the apostle Paul. I have learned to be content in every circumstance…(Philippians 4:11)
If we truly hold in our hearts that we’ve done the right thing in God’s eyes, that we’ve lived and responded as he would want, then we’re already in a position to grab ahold of that longed after peace.
Before we even consider how the other person responds.
Our hearts desire His approval and glory above our own? Then a warmth overflow of peace and joy can reign inside when we consider we’ve followed Him in the trial, trusting Him with the results.
Regardless of what those results are.
Then we can clamber close to Him, under the shadow of His almighty wing, in the crevice of the Rock of Refuge, clinging to the goodness of Abba Father in the storm.
But grace, grace to you. In the heat of the moment, even with careful planning, we don’t always do what’s right (I should know, I have four kids!).
Should that be the case, pick yourself up in repentance and grasp ahold of the forgiveness offered to you, the freedom to try again.
4. Cover in Prayer Afterwards
What an absolute privilege we have to bring everything in sweet confidence to the Almighty Power who loves us the most. Like the hymn declares –
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge –
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do they friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Lift up your concerns, feelings, experience, heart. The dearest Friend is always near.
5. Remember Your True Reward
Perhaps this one relationship always seems to be a thorn, a sore spot.
Perhaps we never get to where we’d like to be and future meetings must be laden with a bit of unpleasantness of having to deal with someone so difficult.
Perhaps the fruit/blossom of growth is in our hearts, not necessarily in theirs, through all this.
We suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him – Romans 8:17
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. – Romans 8:18
It is a precious, albeit painful, thing to be able to suffer alongside Christ.
When we determine and execute godly living in the face of ugly flesh, we’re suffering for His name – we can even count the cost as joy and honor for Him. And in the midst of the many benefits He gives us here, we especially have the joy of glory of all of Heaven before us.
Our sufferings and pain here DO count…for all eternity.
Perhaps that dear family member will never forgive me or want to make things right…but I can hold onto peace in the midst of the struggle, praying for her regularly, embracing the joy found in following Him – regardless of all else.
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This post was originally published in November 2020 and has been recently updated.
