How to React to Disappointment

Dealing with disappointment is never easy… yet learning a healthy reaction is crucial to the measure of daily joy we can embrace.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

My family, myself, we’ve been weathering a torrential downpour of sorrow and grief. Upon realizing Min, our sweet little girl adoption match, carried special needs too much for us to handle, we had to come to the painful decision to release the match.

This was not an easy thing to do.

Weeks of getting updates, pictures, photos, thinking of her as our own, talking about her as a family, making special gifts for her (kiddos)…came crashing down on us as sunny skies turned ominous, wind-driven storm.

And once we were caught in the middle of that onslaught, it was hard to find the way out. 

Difficulty Dealing with Disappointments – A Chronic Occurrence in my Life…

No doubt, this season has been difficult. 

Yet sore dealings with disappointment aren’t new to me…certainly not.

Real to my heart, the many years of daily disappointments have proved a destructive fire, threatening to disintegrate all in sight. The flame is lit in all matters – not only the gargantuan, but my joy also disrupted by the insignificant. 

A whisper of the smallest things.

One thing I’m known for is to pick apart the essence of me, to view His crafting of this jar of clay (2 Corinthians 4:7), to view the vessel of me and it’s place in history, time, relation…

to know what makes me hold or shatter, to understand the why of every nook and cranny, to gather just what His purpose may be in a vase so fragile.

To be the loveliest crafted clay I can be for Him.

I think we should all be doing that.

This subtle stronghold illuminated, His grace alone unveiled it for me. I picked up on it this year as He lifted the corner of fabric draped…

honestly, when your day is filled with grief upon grief and the tiniest segue tips you over to shatter, you’ve got to wonder if the problem isn’t external, but internal.

Snapshot photo of my day:
Shuffle downstairs to school the kids, only to find my daughter never finished her math worksheet from the day prior, putting her a day behind schedule. Indignation rises, anger hits, frustration mounts (all me, not her).
An hour later I discover my husband didn’t do the this/that/whatever I asked of him last night and now I need to fit it in my day…and I can’t help but berate him incessantly for failing me. 
At lunchtime, I discover I never booked the room/ordered the accessory/contacted the group in time and I missed some deadline for a deal and my heart is crestfallen at my lack of coming through.
Couple hours later, a friend informs me she’s sick and needs to cancel our family festival outing the following day and I feel knots in my toes, wishing I had somehow done things different.
And I just can’t let go. 

Can’t let go.

When we hold on to so much so fiercely, squeezing eyes tight, holding breath so as to not lose what we’ve determined should be ours, the only thing we’ve destined IS ours is a day filled with certain disappointment.

One day after another.

And another.

And another.

Until all the days roll in to one and we’re just a jumbled up pile of broken pot shards.

Issues with Holding on to Disappointments

I know I’m not alone in this. Whether your own struggles are lesser or more acute than mine (based on my history, I honestly shared a mild version) –

They exist and they rob us of JOY.

Fist tight strangle as we clench for the things we think we want, think we need…will certainly leave us devoid of happiness.

But it also shows what we trust. Whom we trust.

And it shows us what we love the most.

Honestly, it’s okay to be initially disappointed…we’re human, after all, created in all our complexity with a vast array of emotions that enhances our experiences on this Earth. We will have heart desires that strike our passions and deepest pleasures and, when these don’t turn out, we’ll naturally feel a sense of loss or disappointment. 

What matters is what we do with the disappointment. 

Do we let it go, trusting it was not meant to be, believing we don’t need it to make us happy? 

Or do we hold on, letting it fester, turn rancid, perhaps imbed us with bitterness?

If we choose the latter and let that unhappiness stew, we’re akin to the clay blaming the potter for how it was created…

Except this time, we’re blaming the creator for our outcomes, circumstances, wishes unfulfilled.

We’re dipping our spouts into a well of unbelief and drinking in, filling to the brim.

In order to not swim in those waters of unbelief, let’s take a closer look at the Potter…

the One on whom we’re relying…

God Doesn’t Owe Us Anything…But He Loves to Work for our Good

Do you know what God delights in, how He desires to treat us?

I will rejoice in doing them good… – Jeremiah 32:41

Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
– Isaiah 43:4

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
– Isaiah 30:18

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
– Psalm 31:19

God above, majestic and mighty in power, perfect in all his ways and deserving of honor and glory, does not owe us anything…but He loves to work for our good.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. – James 1:17

For we walk by faith, not by sight. – 2 Corinthians 5:7

When we keep our eyes solely on what we see, we can easily fall into the trap of deciding God is against us. There’s no way He can be for my good if “this” happened. It is only when we keep our eyes set on him and build up our faith through truth, that we can truly see and believe He’s working a greater good in our disappointments. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
– Romans 5:1-5

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
-James 1:2-4

Hindsight is 20/20

Seasoned by these years of grace, I can now look back with smudge-free glasses and give witness to a glorious work.

The beauty is that the Lord is at hand (Philippians 4:5) and He is always fashioning and sculpting, shaping and sanctifying our lives, whether it be in greatest glee or deepest disappointment. 

When we encounter each disappointment, we can be assured He is also working in it.

~God Wants Our Best

His love for us is great and his gospel is not the “prosperity gospel” some have made it to be. The Lord provides for our needs (Matthew 6:25-33) does not necessarily equate to us living luxurious, or even comfortable, lives. 

His desire is for our hearts.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
– Samuel 16:7

God wants our hearts, more than He wants us to have things.

For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? 
-Mark 8:36

No, our God is greater than that. He doesn’t want you to put your joy in the measly pennies and tidbits of candy junk in the world when there’s a grandiose feast, rich beyond measure that awaits you.

He doesn’t want fourth, third, or even second best for you.

He wants you to embrace with passionate heart the ultimate prize – exceeding joy, unending love, lasting peace.

The things found in Him alone.

~Seize Thine Heart, It’s Depths Exposed

So what does unhealthy disappointment work for us? It exposes the depths of our hearts. 

We find out exactly what held our joy. 

What enveloped our hearts. 

What was so important to us we felt we couldn’t part with it for the world in that moment. 

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
– Proverbs 4:23

If disappointment is outflow of the springs of our heart, should we not guard it’s source above all measure, as a found cave, discovered on journey’s walk to be laden with precious gems, glittering gold?

Should the heart not be guarded as priceless treasure wrapped in pretty, bow-laden box?

And when we realize the many petty things we can’t get over, the status of our heart is fertile ground for the Holy Spirit’s work.

~Greater Things For Those We Love

As a mom of four (one day five!), seeing my own ones encounter their life disappointments can be rough. My kids have been blessed in being sheltered from some of life’s difficulties and they’ve never really experienced a deep sense of loss.

As of late, we’ve all had to travel the heartache path of losing Min which, for one of my kids, was her first experience of such heavy loss and grief, the kind that leaves you curled up in the fetal position for hours or sobbing against cool, collected sheets.

Not fun, and not fun for me to have to watch her go through this.

Yet I know all the while, in the midst of the pain, God is working deeper things in my children.

~A Closer Walk with Thee

Ultimately, the disappointments of life can encourage us to a deeper reliance on Him. And as we fill up our heart tanks with truth scripture, building up our faith in His goodness, and walking alongside our littles as we encourage them to do the same – we grow in that reliance.

We weather the hurricane under amazing shelter, Rock of Refuge (Psalm 18:2).

We stand as upright jar, fulfilling a purposeful existence. 

We have a friend who will never leave us.

What if we were to do just that…embrace all the promises of God, richly transparent with ultimate goodness, abounding in fullness and grace, and go about our days resting in supernatural strength, hearts contented (Philippians 4:11)?

A marvelous pitcher.

So How Should We React to Disappointment?

So just how do we guard this wellspring inside of us, this jewel that God himself holds as the deepest core to who we are in life, who we are in Him?

Four guiding principles to aide us in times of disappointment, big or small:

1. Repent

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9

There is truly a healing power in turning in repentance. It’s commanded in scripture, and necessary for a healthy, Christ-filled life. Sadly, many have us have become dull to realizing how important it is to confess our wrong and turn from our sin.

In it’s essence, holding on to our disappointment long-term is equivalent to unbelief…which is equivalent to sin. It’s not harmless doubt, or “legitimate concern,” or merely abiding sorrow, it is nothing other than unbelief in the omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent, all loving GOD. 

Treat your unbelief as the sin that it is and, after you have repented, cast your fears on Him.

He will never, ever fail you.

(Please note, this is only when an unhealthy holding on to our disappointment is uncovered. It’s healthy and acceptable to experience some disappointments when things don’t go as we had hoped. It’s only when we can’t let go of it, that our hearts reveal a wrongful placement of that “thing” as a source of joy greater than God himself. In turn, our hearts are exposed as not trusting in Him to be sovereign over our circumstances.)

2. Turn to Your Greatest Weapon

We underestimate the power of scripture if we do not see scripture as our sword (Ephesians 6:17), able to battle the darkest, most difficult days.

It is time we build up an arsenal of fine weaponry in the form of many verses of truth, simply for those times of desperate need.

Feel the freedom to work on this as fits you best – but definitely make it a priority.

For me, I’ve spent the past 6-9 months collecting an quill full of powerful arrow verses to encourage – some of them I’ve shared here with you!

My eyes have looked upon these precious promises and truths many times, breath of trust a breath of fresh spring air to the soul.

And I can exhale in surety.

3. Trust

Knowing God is good, seeing that goodness in hindsight, helps us to trust. And again, scriptures will help to build that trust in our moments of doubt and weakness.

When we trust, we don’t have to feel brave or have some swell in our heart of conquering enemy of the flesh.

Our trust does not have to correspond with our feelings.

Rather, trust is an act of faith.

It’s taking a step to choose to believe Him in our circumstance.

And when we do so, future grace will be there to meet us and enable continued faith. 

4. Embrace a Different Outlook

Another word for sanctification could be a reframing.

We’re reframing the way we see the world, the way we act, what we believe, what we prioritize…

it’s like we’re putting on those glasses of truth and seeing things how they really are –

Through God’s eyes.

And then living in accordance with that truth.

As we push forward to store our armory with truth verses, fill ourselves with the water of goodness day in and day out, take steps of faith in future grace…we’ll find the embracing of a different outlook comes naturally.

Holding joyous arms tight around a hundred promises.

For us in our adoption journey, we’ve met with much disappointment as of late. The whirlwind and the storm has made us feel capsized in a ship set to sink to the bottom of the sea. 

Surprisingly enough, we’re at a new point in the journey…

one with a new light, a new dawning in the face of a new precious one.

Could she be ours?

As we pursue this path each day, just taking the next step He’s illuminated for us, in great hope we wonder…yet we don’t know.

He will fully shine a light for us at the end of this sacred walk.

Until then, we hold fast to His promises of goodness, knowing He wants to bless, believing He loves us and works for our good (Romans 8:28), trusting in the plan He alone has crafted.

All in our hearts, built up and supported by scripture.

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. – Job 42:2

And should this little one not be the one He’s deemed ours, we will guard our hearts against any disappointment that may turn sour.

We shall cast our fears on him.

And we know ultimately, He will never, ever fail us.