I Feel Like All I Do is Yell at My Kids

Do you feel like you’re constantly yelling at your kids? Read to find out the 5 steps to beat this damaging habit… the one amazing TIP you won’t read elsewhere… and the number one thing you must do if you DO lose your cool…

Oh, these words cut to the heart.

How many times have you gone about your day, all is well with the world and life, when WHAM! One of your kids does something you didn’t expect and – in an instant – you’re off on a prolific litter of words you’re bound to regret 30 minutes later.

And wow – does it catch you off guard.

I should know – I’m one of the offenders.

But even the sweetest, most well-intentioned mama can fall susceptible to this. 

We’re hard workers. And busy. We do all we can with every minute of our day and make that last second count for all its worth and then one of our sweet little beauties comes and foils it all.

At least, in that one split second before we explode, that’s what we believe.

We’re intentional and responsible. We have the plan – we know the way things are supposed to roll – and then we witness the picture crumble into shattered glass myriad of some fractured truth –

We ourselves break.

Without a doubt – we need a real remedy to stop the yelling.

That Faulty Belief

I’m amazed at how many sites give you strategies to stop yelling…yet miss addressing the why behind the yelling.

If we know the reason behind the yelling…that all important why…we can correct the problem at it’s foundational level.

You see, yelling isn’t a behavior problem.

It’s a belief problem.

In essence, we yell because we’re angry. But where did that anger come from? How is it that one second we’re in the middle of sunshine-y day, only to be covered by the clouds of anger in the next?

Oh friend, do you know that moment fierce anger enters the heart, you’ve claimed that position of god-ness in your life?

It’s my kingdom come, my will be done, and you’ve elevated yourself as judge of the one who’s irritated you.

Who’s on the throne of your heart, there and then? It’s certainly not God.

Let’s pick this apart…Return with me to that instance in which control was lost and blown away in that squall of anger…

~ We’re a planning people and start with this sense of control in our day.

~ When our child sparks our anger, we feel the occurrence wasn’t supposed to happen. We’ve been wronged.

~ We forget God’s sovereignty. 

Oh my – that precious truth. 

He is in control. God is in control of our days…our every moment, whisper of a breath, pounding of the heartbeat.

He’s sovereign over it all. 

And how fists clenched tightly do we hold onto the mirage that we ourselves are somehow in control…

…and forget the beauty of Creator king who’s also creating each and every moment for us.

Yelling isn’t a behavior problem.
It’s a belief problem.

If God designs our day to be accompanied by kids who disobey when our backs are turned, spill milk on our newly washed and favorite blouse, or only do half the homework assignment, can we be okay with that? Can we accept the moments that reveal a child who hasn’t done, said, acted, performed in the way we think they should have? 

Can we trust God that His perfect plan includes molding us, shaping us to be more like Him through our everyday trials?

Sigh of relief – now we know the truth behind it all. But just how do we remedy those unwanted shrieking spells that seem to burst forth when we least expect it?

How to Remedy the Yell

Once you know the reason, you can move forward to the resolution.

Oh, sweet welcome balm to my aching throat.

Here are the top 5 things you can do to situate the truth in your heart and quell the yell:

1. Tackle this recurring problem in advance

Don’t wait for it to come to you. If you’re waiting until an outburst may occur and then picking up all those sorry pieces afterwards, you’re doing it all wrong.

There’s a reason scripture tells us to clothe ourselves with the armor of God (eph 6:10-13).

Dear warrior, we’ve been gifted some amazingly powerful weapons from the General of the army – don’t hesitate to use them!          

Unsheathe the sword of the spirit – the word of God – look up scriptures and keep them close to your heart and your proximity. In those furious moments, the blade of scripture will cut through to your heart and speak ultimate truth, if you’ll let it.

Here are some fantastic ones to start with [emphasis mine]:

~ Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
~ James 1:19-20 – Know this, my beloved brothers:
let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 
for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
~ Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
~ Proverbs 29:11 – A fool gives full vent to his spirit,
    but a wise man quietly holds it back.
~ Proverbs 15:18 – A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,
    but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
~ Proverbs 14:29 – Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
    but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
~ Proverbs 16: 9 – The heart of man plans his way,
    but the Lord establishes his steps.
~ Proverbs 19:21 – Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
    but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
~ James 4:14-15 – Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.
What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

Here are some fantastic verses on gentleness – exactly how we need to be as we shepherd our kids.

In addition, keep prayer close at hand. Shoot out those arrows to the throne above, asking God’s mercy and help –

Over and over and over again, if it comes to it.

You are not alone in this.

When I saw how much of a problem I had with the way I spoke my kids in my frustration, I got down on my knees and begged God to change me.

But I didn’t do this just once. Or even twice.

I did it constantly, daily for a solid 18 months.

And, bit by bit, I saw those little victories and witnessed the change I’d been so desperate for for so long.

2. Start your day right

Essential to our day is setting it right from the get go in terms of our heart and outlook. 

The enemy rises early, too – so many times have I had to deal with weighted heart or worry of the day before I’ve even climbed out of bed. Get in there and play offense before the enemy even has a moment to attack.

When you roll out of bed, let the words flow from your lips, murmurs to a King who loves you and helps you, prayers for help when the temptation comes to lose it.

See a picture of your day in advance – and hold your plans lightly. Commit them to Him, acknowledging that whatever He brings your way, you’ll receive it with open arms and seek to respond in Christlike-ness.

Keep that keen outlook – that awareness of your failings from prior days and know that the enemy may attack in those weak spots again.

In fact, plan on it.

3. In that temptation moment, call to light the truth

Believe me, I know this is hard. I’d walked too loud of a path for too long when I really set to work on this.

When that moment comes and your fuse is lit, about to reach the fireworks of explosion –

That’s the moment when the whisper needs to come through.

That’s when the Holy Spirit is there and can bring that quiet reminder in your heart.

Oh how good it is to be watching for it.

In that moment is the standing at the forked road – do you follow the worn way you always trod down, bursting into flames along the way? Or do you take the fresh and narrow path, a demure fashion of silence beckoning?

Veer right and you have the opportunity to start anew
and break the chains of habit that have held you so long.

In that moment of positive choice, grab those weapons! Close your eyes, murmur those scriptures, shoot those prayer arrows.

Even step away, if needed.

My power piece is to call to light that one essential truth I seem to forget every day:

It’s okay, Kara. This was supposed to happen. God is working in you to make you more like Him. He wants you to respond well in this challenge. He wants you to choose love and relationship over mess-less kitchen or picture perfect child. It’s really going to be okay – He’s that big of a God.

When you feel you have the capacity to respond well, you can come back and do so.

And every time you do so – the victory is won, you’re a step closer to the goal, and the heart rejoices.

4. Continue to lift this up in prayer. Again and again.

Don’t be surprised if you feel you’ve conquered this and then have to work on it again. Sometimes our walk is two steps forward and one step back. But the Helper is always at our side.

5. Expect it. EXPECT IT.

Here’s a pertinent reminder – or a new truth, if you’ve never heard it: kids are supposed to make mistakes and fail.

Can I say that again?

Kids are supposed to make mistakes and fail.

That’s how they learn and grow.

Our role is to be their biggest cheerleaders and correct and guide them gently.

Even if it’s the 100th time.

As we train ourselves in the habit of remaining calm in the face of unwanted circumstances, we may find we’ve learn to laugh at their mistakes – imagine that!

The Absolute Most IMPORTANT Thing to do if You DO Yell at Your Kids

Quite simple, humble of heart, the nature of it all makes it a beauty to behold yet difficult to accomplish…

Apologize.

Apologize.

When you apologize to your kids after yelling at them, you’re modelling ultimate grace. You’re saying – Mommy isn’t perfect, either – I’m a sinner needing forgiveness, too. You’re giving them the opportunity to walk out forgiveness in a Christ-like way.

The gospel and all it’s glory, put on display for little eyes (or older eyes) to behold. 

And yes, this applies even if they did do something wrong or sinful. Even in weakest times, falling into temptation and turning from right, we’re to respond to our children in gentleness and patience (eph 4:2). 

For surely – that’s how God responds to us. 

When you apologize to your kids after yelling at them,
you’re modelling ultimate grace.

---

Can’t wait to celebrate those big and little victories with you…

And personally? This is a post I know I’ll be reading again and again.

*Is this a struggle for you, too? Please do share via a comment below or message me – let’s encourage each other!