Venting Vs Complaining (& When Complaining is Actually Okay!)

Venting vs Complaining – What’s the difference? And can it really be okay to complain??

I do delight in a sweet tea party with my littles when the weather turns cool. 

Bubbling teapot on a crisp fall day, you hold hot amber goodness to warm our insides with a delectable cozy. Pumpkin spice is a household favorite.

The table transforms when gently laden with my daughter’s treasured tea set, classic ivory and abundant with delicate violets and golden edges that frame. Perfect for even the simplest occasion.

Perhaps a stuffed animal or two accepts the invite, gathers in the fun. But I always adore being one of the honored guests.

Except today. Today I’m not gracing that elaborately decorated table.

Today I’m perched upon that hard, black stove.

Gleaming on freshly cleaned stove top, adequately stuffed strainers dance within the pressure building inside this chrome dome. 

My littles linger and wait to release drops of that golden liquid into tiny teacups, centerpiece of a perfectly planned snack time celebration.

Brushing the crumbs of party prep off the counter, I wait, too – for the internal complexities to settle, for my own release. Try as I may, I cannot sweep aside the weight that lays heavy today.

Do you have days like this, too?

As a Highly Sensitive Person, I can get easily overwhelmed when there’s an over abundance. 

Too much clutter 

noise 

to do

Too many people

choices

distractions

Then pile on top the heaviness of sorrows, perhaps a relationship turned sour, perhaps a hope deferred.

Too, too much, swirling inside, safe for awhile while the heat is low…

But when the heat rises – the boiling starts and the top wants to blow….

The internal pressure cannot be contained any longer. 

The teapot shrieks. 

I do, too.

What do you do when you’ve had enough?
When you’re buckling under the weight of your sorrow?
When you’re wronged?
How do you handle a painful circumstance that couldn’t possibly be?
What do you do with a wait that never ends?

When this strikes…do you hold it all in?
Cry into your pillowcase at night?
Grit your teeth, murmur when the vicinity’s clear?
Do you complain to your best friend at the next opportune moment?
Rant and rave and vent without abandon? 

Do you explode?

Our own culture of morality, or happy-heartedness, or sea of Bible-loving believers would say venting is wrong. They would also put complaining on the list of the uncontrollable, the lazy hearts, the wrongdoers. 

But what if there was a safe place to do so –
not to vent, to let lose our top, explode when our insides boil….
but to complain.
What if there was a safe way to complain to God?

What if we’re supposed to complain to God?

Venting Vs Complaining

Venting vs complaining – there’s a difference between the two and only one is acceptable to commit.
Venting is letting out the heat of all that’s inside, that’s waiting to burst, in a rather volatile way.
Complaining, as shown in scripture, is bringing to attention something wrong with the world, something that doesn’t line up with the character of the Creator himself.

We typically hear of someone venting a negative emotion in an explosive way – “venting rage” – or ranting and raving to get something off one’s chest, as in venting your protest of an irritation to another person.

Venting is that teakettle bottled up, needing to explode, and the lid has to be lifted to release the pressure.

Venting does not have any kind of productive end. Watch your fingers in the process, or you may get singed by the steam that’s erupted.

Complaining is meant to accomplish something. Rather than just blowing off some steam, it’s our meaningful step two in lamenting.

When complaining isn’t connected to lament, it’s something quite different, so it’s good to make note of the biblical versus worldly way.

And, yes – when approached as it’s intended – there’s a place for complaining.

The Connotation of Complaining Vs Biblical Complaint

 In the world of believers, there’s a stigma about having a complaining heart. The Bible is replete with exhortation to give thanks, be filled with gratitude, at all times and in all circumstances.

How many times have we corrected our kids to have a happy heart?

How many times have we pulled out our gratitude journal and numbered the day’s blessings?

Yet complaining is in the Bible. Open the pages of the Psalms and you’ll encounter a host of complaints from saints of old. And as private as some of these prayers may seem, entire congregations would sing complaints set to music. A whole house filled with the songs of the destitute.

Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

ps 10:1

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me…?

ps 22:1

O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?

ps 88:14

Complaint is evident in the passionate pleadings of a heart torn asunder.

The complaint we find in scripture means something radically different than the complaining we might witness in the world.

What we view is the psalmist crying out to the Lord from the soul’s depths, presenting questions, trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense in the light of the character of God.

Here, it’s central to lament – connected to lament. In fact, lament needs complaint to exist.

Complaining isn’t only something that we read about it, maybe even know is available to us – it’s something we should pursue when we’re faced with difficulty and drowning in emotion. The kind of complaint we see in the Bible is good for us – and leads to a good end.

How Complaining is Helpful

When we’re perched upon the hard counter of life, not knowing what to do with all we hold inside, it’s time to pour out in the grace-filled act of lament.

*First step, as mentioned, is to keep turning to God. Open the floodgates of communication, releasing whatever thoughts and emotions you’ve sorely stuck behind the dam in your heart. If those barriers are steadily down, keep the waters coming.

For a detailed explanation of the first step in lament, read my post here.

The process of lamenting and bringing forth your complaints is the what-to-do with your pain. And the fruit it produces is enough to satiate the most abundant appetite at the amorous tea party…

🍎 Giving your complaint to God can release it’s hold on you. 

🍏 It’s a beautifully biblical way to express your heart to the One who holds it with care. 

🍌 It can mend your soul as you work through your thoughts and emotions. 

🍇 It will draw you in closer to God himself, as you follow the rest of the steps of lament.

🍉 Those steps will lead through the trenches of trial to a depth of trust not yet known. 

Perhaps one of the most challenging things about our seasons of suffering is the helplessness we feel to do anything about it. The comforting news is that we don’t have to be quite tossed about, clinging desperately to our life preserver as we float away in the open sea of emotion.

As we communicate our disappointment and approach a resolve, we find the fruitful pathway in navigating through, even prospering from, the heartache.

Once your heart is postured in turning to Him, you’re ready to bring your complaints to Him. And once you bring the complaints, you’re poised to proceed on a path of healing.

The Right Way to Complain

Certainly, there’s a right and wrong way to approach complaining. If we approach this with a heart wrapped in intense anger, or shielded in a cloak of unforgiveness, an unwillingness to listen and learn, we’re back to the way the world might define complaining.

*There are 4 key things to consider when we complain:

1. Humility

Just as we have a humble King, we’re called to be humble in heart. Our lives should be a reflection of his own.

2. Pray through the Psalms

What a treasure trove is buried in the psalms, just awaiting it’s discovery and perusal. When we struggle to formulate the words, the psalms are close at hand and heart to help. Feel at liberty to pray through these, especially as you familiarize with the practice of lament, of bringing your complaint. 

3. Be Honest

God already knows. He knows your heart, your fears, your struggles. Bring your questions and frustrations – Don’t hesitate to ask Why; don’t be afraid to question How. Utilize this gift of lament to pour out your heart unto Him, divulging your deepest thoughts and feelings.

4. Don’t End with Complaint

Complaint is not the end-all. It’s the passageway to greater things, to a deeper walk with and trust in Him. If you stop at complaint, you miss the whole point of lament, including the treasure that awaits. More on the following steps in my next post.

Tiny helpful hand slips in mine, warm arms wrap snug.

Mommy, I’ll pray for you, ‘kay?

This time around, I don’t have to be the steaming orb, threatening to burst upon my countertop.

I raise the brimming pot. Drink poured out, swirling in delicate teacup…no longer trapped inside, but fulfilling it’s intended purpose in a rather satisfying way.

The way it was meant to be.

*These thoughts are not my own – they are largely taken from Mark Vroegop’s insightful and incredibly helpful book on lament. For more on the beauty and practice of lament, check out Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, available at Amazon:

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