Why Do I Keep Failing When I Try So Hard?

Feel you’re always failing, no matter how hard you try? Or you’ve been a failure your whole life? Don’t hang your head in defeat just yet.

There’s a word that creeps into the mind and heart of every gal, whether wife, mom, homemaker, single…

the dreaded word, failure.

Such a cold, harsh word, quick to condemn without a pause for excuse. I, myself, have encountered this word too many times to tell and it has done it’s damage more than I’d like to admit. 

Excerpt of a letter to my daughter:

About a week ago, I was undergoing some harried scenes,
frustration moments,
trying my best to move mountains amidst the never-ending messes of the house and attempting to rally the troops (you guys) to serve well on my side.
In my over-exuberant gusto,
I became a little too much of the harsh dictator and little too less of the
motivational, inspiring leader
all moms want to be.
It came to be bedtime and,
as you lay in your bed with the covers pulled up to your chin,
I saw that look on your face –
blinking hard,
hoping to shut back the dam of tears threatening to burst,
heart all in wordless turmoil.
Sitting next to you, gently I asked you what was wrong, and you answered…
”I just can’t do anything right.”
You proceeded to tell me how you had tried so hard to finish your kitchen chores, but you just always seemed to miss something.
My heart sank as I heard your words,
knowing this was not the doing of my girl,
but her house crazy mama.
My own attempts to control and push you guys towards this perfection resulted in none other than my daughter
feeling like a failure.
I gave you a big hug and sweet words of repentance as tears flowed down your cheeks, promising efforts to be more gentle in encouraging you towards excellence…
and that our worth is not wrapped up in how we do;
we’re never a failure in God’s eyes because of the life and death of Jesus.

If this strikes a note in your heart and you can relate –

You are not alone.

Feelings of inadequacy as we battle our shortcomings is a common, even daily, notion among us moms.

How seemingly effortless it is for us to step on that same well-worn path of mistakes we like to travel –

like when I misprioritized my mama roles –

and how it can even impact others, like my deficiency leading to my daughter’s sense of her own inadequacy. She can regard her missteps, I can swallow mine, we can both label ourselves Fiasco.

Isn’t it just too easy? 

Giving honest assessment to my past, I’ve quite the load failures I could look back upon and groan.

I reach day’s end and there’s a movie reel in my head replaying the repeated stumbles.

Not to mention all the things I’ve aimed to attain in the past – I cringe even to think of writing them here! Yet I still recall a painfully shy girl with low self-esteem yearn for friends and normal life…

not able to make friends
not stay in school
not keep from self-harm
and on and on

Wherever I walked, deficiency met me at every corner. And in some big, key areas.

Not only might I contend with the moment or the day, but an entire past of trying, time and again…

and failing, time and again.

If you’ve been there, too, you are not alone in your struggles.

Why do we keep failing, though we try so hard? The first thing to remember is you aren’t perfect – and post the Fall of Adam, we were never meant to be perfect in ourselves alone. Whether in character or personal pursuit, we have limitations. The only one without limitations? God Himself.

Failures Grow Us

God, lovely light of perfection without jolt or blemish, provides a spot of sun for our weary hearts:

Through failures rampant, presenting themselves seemingly without end in our lives, we mustn’t forget the enduring, dear promise of Romans 8:28 –

all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

He is working good in the loss:

Failures grow us.

Failures GROW us.

Yes, I have quite an immense list of misadventures in my youth –

but I’ve grown to understand the makeup of myself and I’ve moved on to become a better me –

honestly, one that looks more like Him.

I’ve developed heart compassion for those with similar struggles to mine – including one of my own, who’s built a lot like me internally.

Similarly, I could throw the blanket of shame upon some early missteps I took in our marriage, in raising little ones, in school choices –

or I can see how those failures served to guide, blossom, strengthen relationships…

hard seed of struggle leading to cascading, plentiful vine. 

I can count the blessings from my various areas of failure and view my growth – for the better.

The hand of God in our lives sweeps through and fashions in ways we don’t expect. His careful tidying and pruning as he allows failure may be a purposed way of closing a door for us.

I know when I shot my childhood arrows at the targets of excellence in a particular talent, I was really searching for something to give me identity. I was missing the mark completely –

the true mark, being that of a child after God’s own heart.

His kindness, so distinctly shown in taking down many of those targets upon which I’d set my sights, knew the pain of that particular loss was necessary. 

God DOES have something for us. Failure may be the door leading us in the right direction.

If we can say we’ve failed at something, then there must be something we can deem to be the pinnacle, the moment of success, that we were aspiring for in the first place. Just the act of failing connotes the existence of something that defined success for us in the first place. 

But what if our definition was wrong?

Success in its True Form

As we may not discern the specific path we should take to success, we should then ask, What really is success? What is His definition of success? 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God
– Micah 6:8

Though our failures run the gamut of personal pursuits we haven’t attained and character qualities we struggle to establish, there are many times we’re off course, pursuing bits on the bottom of the barrel, rather than the choicest grain of the crop. Truly pursuing His priorities means walking that best path. 

And when we do fail in justice, kindness, and humility, we know His grace covers those failures. 

What to do with our Repeated Failures

I know that you’ll have other struggles in your life with this same issue of feeling you’ve failed…

we all do, especially us ladies.

When those feelings overwhelm us, we need to do what we should always do when our emotions get the best of us –

turn to the cross and embrace truth.

The enemy will use those rampant lies of identity with us – we must knock them down with the words of life. 

Your loveliness in Christ’s eyes is not a result of your obedience, it’s a result of HIS obedience. 

When you

sin against someone
give in to temptation
fail to keep your word
set a goal and then miss the mark

Or you

yell at your husband
burn dinner
are late for another event
don’t come through for your kids

don’t hang your head in defeat.

Rather, lift your eyes up to the cross.

Thank Jesus for His perfection, so far from what we can ever attain, even on our best days. He loves you on those best days and those worst days, and whether you’ve met your own specific aims or not.

And then rejoice! His forgiveness is immediate, He will take every moment in our life and use it for our good, and His love is your refuge always.

His grace covers your missteps.